Thursday, April 03, 2008
Those actions and nots usually excite me, not that it doesnt anymore, my heart still skip, butterflies still fly in my stomach but I guess fear just eats it all up.
Just like during the desert tour yesterday, as much as it was hellva experience, I know my mind was not with me esp not during dinner at the camp. Like the vast desert, my mind was all over the place, thoughts running wildly everywhere. Was stonning half the time during the performance. The ride back, no doubt kinda fell asleep, it was still running. Even while sleeping last night, dreamt of it and seeing a rainbow, a really beautiful one.
And the conversation with bestie on Monday is still so fresh in my mind, everything. Never regretted my decision but how long more? I'm really so scared of everything, way too afraid now to even move forward.
They say I'm healthy living, going to the gym. Yes I do want to keep lose weight and blah blah but the other truth is, gymin is my best alternative in keeping my mind off other than work. Which also explains me giving up my offdays. I'd rather work and stay away, I do miss my family and friends but...
I'm a freakin ass loser, dont I? Hah! Really am so sorry to all who are reading this and more imptly to all who has been very concern and really encouraging to me. Like I've promised, I will get outta this. Other than because of the promise, I myself WANT to get outta it too. Really hate it, it's draining my every energy.
Was reading my darling sista's blog last night, really am so awed by her faith. Not that I dont believe in Daddy now but it's gettin tougher fighting within. I know He is helping me, I really gotta stay strong, I want to. Tears just rolled as I read her posts again and again. Lord, you're speaking to me, arent you?
My head is hurting.
I want to be strong, again.
I want to see the rainbow, soon.
Just like during the desert tour yesterday, as much as it was hellva experience, I know my mind was not with me esp not during dinner at the camp. Like the vast desert, my mind was all over the place, thoughts running wildly everywhere. Was stonning half the time during the performance. The ride back, no doubt kinda fell asleep, it was still running. Even while sleeping last night, dreamt of it and seeing a rainbow, a really beautiful one.
And the conversation with bestie on Monday is still so fresh in my mind, everything. Never regretted my decision but how long more? I'm really so scared of everything, way too afraid now to even move forward.
They say I'm healthy living, going to the gym. Yes I do want to keep lose weight and blah blah but the other truth is, gymin is my best alternative in keeping my mind off other than work. Which also explains me giving up my offdays. I'd rather work and stay away, I do miss my family and friends but...
I'm a freakin ass loser, dont I? Hah! Really am so sorry to all who are reading this and more imptly to all who has been very concern and really encouraging to me. Like I've promised, I will get outta this. Other than because of the promise, I myself WANT to get outta it too. Really hate it, it's draining my every energy.
Was reading my darling sista's blog last night, really am so awed by her faith. Not that I dont believe in Daddy now but it's gettin tougher fighting within. I know He is helping me, I really gotta stay strong, I want to. Tears just rolled as I read her posts again and again. Lord, you're speaking to me, arent you?
My head is hurting.
I want to be strong, again.
I want to see the rainbow, soon.
♥ love & blessings
14:47
All I Want For Christmas Is You - Mariah Carey
