Just when I want to stand on my feet and learn to be stronger, I fell again and again. When will it stop?

First, him.
Then you.
And now this shit.

I'm so tired, so very tired of trying, so very tired of fighting, so very tired of donning that mask over and over again, so very tired of stayin strong, more so, very VERY tired of living.

I know I shldnt be sayin this but life sucks, big time, nothing is gettin better.



Lord: What wrong have I done? Why do I deserve all these? Have I tried not hard enough? Havent I held on You so tightly but why still all these? When will I ever see the rainbow or even that glimpse of light? What put me through ALL THESE!?

And you: What wrong have I done? Where are you now even? Am I not good enough? Have I not did my best? Have I not done enough? Why then and then now? Why are you doin this? Why why why!? Do you know how much it's hurting within?! Do you know, do you!? What exactly is running through that mind of urs!? WHAT WENT WRONG!!!?!?!?! WHAT WENT WRONG!!? PLEASE dont do this to me, PLEASE. Can you please just tell me.

And to this sucky job: HAVE I REALLY DID THE DAMN RIGHT THING TO PURSUE IT?! Dammit! I worked so hard, why this now?!!?

And to myself: ROSELL ANG LIXUE, YOU'RE A BIG TIME LOSER!!! SUPER HUGE BIG TIME LOSER!!!!!!! YOU LOUSY USELESS BITCH, YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A LOUSY BORN LOSER!!!!!!!!!!!


Please dont ask me to have faith or hope for I really want to and have been holdin on to it so much but...

Please dont ask me to stay strong cos I know I CANNOT take it anymore. I am NOT as strong as you all think I am. I AM NOT!!

Please dont tell me things will get better cos it has been like that for so long and instead of gettin better, it got worst.

Please dont tell me what to do for I duno what I really want now too or even to do. IDUNO!!!!!

Please please please dont do this to me.

I'm really really really very...................

I'm so sick and tired of everything.......

Hate everything.....

And no, cryin it all out is not helpin either.

I've lost faith, lost hope, lost everything, even the will to fight n carry on, I've lost so badly.



....I GIVE UP!!